Name brand

I've been changed from the generic to the name brand.  You would think that the side effects would be similar but the have been different.  It has been like starting a new medication.  It is working still and I feel pretty good.  One good side effect, it makes me sick all the time so I have no appetite and don't eat much.  For many of you that would be terrible.  It is great for me.  I have lost 9 pounds.  Hope that keeps up, I only have about 31 to go!

Surgery

Met a man Sunday who was diagnosed with epilepsy at 12 years old.  At age 22 he elected to undergo brain surgery to remove the portion of his brain that was malfunctioning.  It went well for him and has improved  his lifestyle.
We have discussed this option with my doc many times.  The form of epilepsy I have is what she calls intractable.  Meaning that eventually medication will not work for me.  In that case the surgery would be my only option to live normally.  Perhaps I should do it sooner rather than later. 
Just can't bring myself to let someone cut my skull off and scoop out part of my thinker.

Cat

There is a big tom cat that rules the neighborhood and has since we moved in.  He is big and nasty and spends his nights fighting and impregnating female cats.  We have two catnip plants out front and each night he chews on them.  He then sits on a rock in the flower bed and stares in my front window.  I know because I am often up.  I hate that creepy cat.  I swear he is there to freak me out. He is evil I'm sure!
On nights were my mind becomes lost and I cannot control thoughts, actions and imagination he always sets my hallucination off. I see cats, people animals and all sorts of things that make me practically run and hide. Last night was my first real fever and sickness since I began taking medications for epilepsy. The high fever did not mix well with the meds and I had a wild one.  Sure enough there was that big Tom at 2 o'clock staring at me.  I must have stood there for a half hour staring back.  Then the fun began. Psychotic is the best description of these experiences.  Wish it would stop happening.  Makes for a long night.  Gonna have to lay in wait and kill that cat.  No wonder the Egyptians were afraid of cats.

Identity

You learn who you really are when the person you thought you were gets taken away from you.  A painful process for sure.  

We view ourselves based upon what is around us instead of what is inside of us. 
Once the things around us that seemed our identity are stripped away, then can we see ourselves naked, with no covering. 

It is a terrifying, agonizing and soul wrenching exercise that can become soul destroying if allowed.

I'm sure it is important, however sometimes I wish there was another way!

Swings

Always surprised by the bipolar swings of our day to day lives.  Yesterday was a bad medicine day.  It effected me most of the day which takes away my ability to think clearly and my mood is also effected significantly.  I felt dark, discouraged and without hope for a better future.

Today I awoke feeling strong, clear headed and excited for they day ahead.  Why? I have no idea.  What forces both external and internal cause such swings in our day to day lives. It must be more than the brain altering medication.  I would like to find the culprit and give it a good beating!

Health

Overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm driving a bit and riding my bike a lot.  My brain is much sharper than it has been these last months.  My ability to process qualitative data is improving every day.  However processing quantitative data continues to escape me.
My main problem is the hallucinations that plague me at night. When I take my medicine and fall asleep and then wake up after sleeping for a short time I am not in control of my mind.  It is like living in a dream, knowing it is not real but not able to convince myself it is not real.  It is a strange feeling that I hate and I can't yet find a remedy. 
Taking stock of all of it I am happy with the way I feel.  I can keep this up.

Ghost in the fog

"Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right"

Adam Duritz is fantastic!

Ever feel like a ghost in the fog?

Life

Life is basically sweet, rewarding and full of joy. 
The things we do to each other are what make it miserable, depressive and difficult.