Gift

Received a Christmas card yesterday from an unnamed individual.  No writing no notes just a really Christmasy card.  Inside was a gift card for $200.  I, the non emotional, against most crying one in the family dissolved into a puddle three times over it. 
On many days I am ready to tell the human race to uh..... go away.  Yet on nearly all of those days someone does something to bless my life a great deal.  The money is invaluable to us however the fact that someone would go out of their way and think of us is life changing for me right now. 
So many good people.

Snow hat

What is it about policemen and people that walk around town?  I was waiting for a ride yesterday sitting on the sidewalk of a pretty busy road.  I was waiting there for quite awhile and apparently that is a no no.  A cop drove by then circled and drove by again.  On the third pass he told me to move along.  I said I was waiting for a ride he said to wait somewhere else. 
So I stood up and leaned against the light pole that was by the road. 
That sucker drove across the street and waited and watched me until I left. 
What the hell did he think I was going to do?
He must have been real bored to harass a short chubby guy in a snow hat.  Not sure which makes me more dangerous to society being short, chubby or wearing a snow hat.  Can't fix the first two so I will wear a different color hat today.

Honorable dream

Night time hallucinations and wildly uncomfortable dreams are back.  Been a few weeks without them.  I almost welcome them from what is in my mind when I am not hallucinating or dreaming.  The trick is making heads or tail of what is real and what is not.
A particularly Honorable individual seems to appear frequently in my dreams, he wear horns. I am terrified of him.

Drowning

I have heard that when your lungs fill with water the panic goes away and is replaced by a period of calm before you drown.
Seems like a dirty trick to get you to quit fighting and give up your life. 
I'm fighting, I hope you are. 

Thanksgiving therapy

I've had a nasty back slide the last few days.  Multiple seizures yesterday along with a decent road flop that almost put me in the canal out past the Chubbuck offices last week.  I was so angry last night that I nearly wrote an anti thanksgiving post that was to include a significant number of inappropriate words and phrases!

At 7 this morning my six year old daughter Alena got up and sat with me in the rocking chair.  She and I sat with a blanket watching bugs bunny.  Therapy! Free therapy!

I'm thankful for small moments of happiness.  That 20 minute experience changed my whole outlook on today and this holiday.  Thankful for kids who don't give a damn, they just want to be with their dad. 

Old Joe

Staying on point with Great Expectation references.  As I finished it up again this last week I was again struck at how nearly perfect a person Joe Gargery is.  If we were all a little more like good old Joe the world would be a fabulous place to live.  I am shocked how many times he has reason to become less than he is but he always stays true to his better angels.
His simple aproach to life and his never ending Christlike nature are exemplary. 
Can I be dominated by my better angels during devilish times?

Monsters

Sorry for the Dickens reference but it is my favorite story.  So many pertinent lessons.
Magwitch is the bane and terror of young Pip's life, he then becomes the founder of his fortune and ultimately it is Able Magwitch who turns him into a strong, mature, compationate man who lives a happy and full life.

Yet at the beginning he was an ugly, violent terrifying monster. No good could possibly have come from him and his interaction with Pip.  I wonder about the terrifying monsters in our lives.  Can they become the catalyst for a full and happy life? In my good moments that is how I feel about the current crisis.  Unimaginably ugly and scary but perhaps ultimately grinding my life into something good. 

Able Magwitch

At times in our lives Abel Magwitch sits us on a tombstone and appears to turn our lives upside down.  Never can we tell however what the Magwitch moment means for us.  Sometimes a lifetime is required to understand. 

Malfunction

Wondered off a bad one yesterday.  Had about a two hour lapse in brain function.  Elizabeth found me down by the U.S. Bank on Center street.  No memory of how I got there.  I do remember being really cold.  It is a really odd feeling to find yourself in a seemingly strange place with no memory of getting there.  Takes a day or so to shake it off. 
Feeling good today. I don't think I will ever get used to living with a malfunctioning melon.

Darkness

Please disregard the previous post.

Hatred, revenge and vindictivness seem a better way to be!

The list of people I hate and wish the worst for is rather long today. 

I'm sure Jesus was right, but today I choose darkness.

Moral philosophy

I don't know what you believe Jesus to be.  One thing is certain.  His moral philosophy was absolutely celestial in its perfection.

Turn the other cheek; pray for them that use and hate you; forgive and forget.

Thoughts that change people, lives and societies.  

These are nearly as hard to achieve as they are blessed in their results.

Daughter

My six year old daughter had a seizure this morning.  Scary.  Not sure if we are hoping for it to be blood sugar or something else related, but I surely don't want it to be epilepsy.

She has done okay the rest of the day.  Damn these bodies sometimes!

Dad

Dad always told me that life is not fair.  He was right!

Unimaginably sorry is often our plight in life.

How to get through?

Hook

As is common with my bus trips, there was an interesting individual yesterday on the C  bus. 

This is no joke; at the third stop after I boarded the bus a large, well built bearded man entered the bus.  I only took notice because he was uncommonly large.  Upon further inspection he had a very large hook where his left hand should have been!
Being of a sensitive disposition I only stared for a minute or two. 
Although I am sure he is a gentle soul and that I have completely misjudged another of God's children, his size, beard and hook made him a menacing sight. 
Having recently viewed a few of the more emotionally disturbing movies in light of Halloween, my imagination was running wild by the fifth stop. I was glad to escape with my life at the 7th stop.