turn the other cheek

I know we are supposed to forgive 70 times 7, but how many times are we meant to turn the other cheek?  Not sure it spells that out anywhere.  Gets kind of tough after being slapped repeatedly! Guess you just keep turning.

Self Deception

Self deception is a brilliant tactic in the battle against our problems. Brilliant but stupid! The problem is that when we convince ourselves that the bad guys aren't there, and then of course they are there, it is a shock to the system and we are not prepared to meet them. 
I prefer to over inflate the bad guys and the problems so that when they appear they seem smaller than I imagined.  Again brilliant but stupid.  During the artificial build up of the enemy, we become frozen with fear and indecision because all is lost and the enemy is to strong.  Again we are unprepared for the true appearance of the enemy.
In the end, truth is always truth and the truth definitely sets us free. Stand up, face the enemy and get on with it.  There is freedom in that!

3000mg

started on 3000 mg of keppra per day.  Awful! It is like (from others experience obviously) being on high doses of speed and having morning sickness at the same time.  Perhaps it will be good for weight loss, but sure feels crappy.  However, seems to be working. I will make the trade any day!

Pretenders

When the people you care about have your back, nothing else matters!  Everyone else can go to hell. Excuse the phrase, but it is a phrase handed down from generation to generation!
You can always have a surety as to true friends and pretenders.  True friends say the same thing to your back that they say to your face. A good lesson for all of us!
As a good friend always tells me; "keep a stiff upper lip".

Gaps

Memory gaps are nasty.  I am missing the month of November and a few other weeks here and there.  It is a strange feeling.  Maybe this is what alcoholics feel like after a long bender? That may not be a fair comparison because I had no fun at all earning my memory gaps!

Reaction

As the boulder, many things happen to us that we cannot control.  We succeed or fail in this life based upon our reaction to the things that happen to us.  The interesting thing is that while it is easier to fail, it feels so much better to succeed.  The days when I let the things happening to me win, I am miserable.  When I overcome those feelings and win regardless of what is happening, I feel like a different person.
I guess the lesson is to focus on our reaction to life as opposed to life itself.  To many things we can't control. Focus on the reaction!

The Boulder

I was thinking today that sometimes I feel less like Sisyphus and much more like the boulder he pushes up the hill each day.  Many things seem to happen to us that can make us miserable.  I think I would rather be the guy pushing the boulder than be the boulder.  At least I can decide the speed and energy I want to use to get it up the hill.  Poor dumb boulder has no say at all!

Sisyphus continued

Another question about Sisyphus.  What is the end game of the story? For him it was a punishment, but is the moral of the story to somehow get the boulder up and over the top, or is the moral to push each day? What would happen if the boulder got pushed over the top of the hill and a day off was earned? To become what we are meant to become maybe we are required to push on that boulder every day.  Wish I knew.  Sure seems easier just to leave the stupid boulder at the bottom of the hill!

Holiday

Six great days one bad day so far on Keppra.  Double the dose today.  Maybe twelve good days this time.  I hope so.
I used to love these holidays, but I don't today.  The buses don't run on days like today.  I'm all for celebrating presidents day, big fan of Washington and Lincoln.  Wanted to name my oldest boy born on the 12th honest Abe, but I could really use the bus today!

Sisyphus

You may know the story of King Sisyphus and how he was punished for eternity by rolling a boulder up a hill only to have it roll to the bottom over and over again.  I have heard of the story in the past but thought of it today.  The story is a perfect dramatization of my mindset. 
The herculean effort it takes to push the boulder up the hill each day with sure knowledge that it will be back at the bottom again tomorrow.  It seems as though the daily effort is wasted yet each morning I begin to push again.  Perhaps it is the effort itself that maintains sanity or perhaps the fear of what happens if I don't push is the driving force.
Either way, can't get the boulder over the top! Guess I will keep trying.

New Meds

Started taking Keppra this week.  Seems to be working alright. Decrease in seizures so far.  The side effects are also different. When I sit I sleep, when I stand I'm dizzy.  Makes for some interesting days. Fell asleep on the bus the other day and rode a nice long route.  Probably snored the whole time.  At least I am starting to fit in on the bus!
When I stand up it looks as though I am perpetually learning to walk.
A third and interesting side effect is that my level of anger and aggression are elevated.  We all know that I really needed more anger and aggression! If you see me chasing a referee around the gym one of these saturdays, just laugh and mark it down to new medication then maybe call the police!
 Definitely some challenges; the good with the bad right?

Vocab

As a youth I hated vocabulary as a subject.  Now I love it.  Over these few months I have learned a number of new words that I never new existed. Misial frontal lobe; anticonvulsant; partial-onset seizures; Electroencephalography; titration; aura, myoclonic; 
These are just of the few new terms that dominate my life.  I am currently titrating through a new series of medications and I am sick. 


Hope everybody loves everybody today!

neurologist

Man did I blow it.  Should have been a neurologist.  Got my bill from the stay at University of Utah.  Wow, I could live on that for a year! So for any of you not sure what to be when you grow up; Neurology!

Believe

Belief in something greater than self is the basic building block of self esteem.  Surely I am to weak and fallible to have a real sense of self esteem. If my value as a person is based exclusively on my decisions and actions I am valued rather lowly.  Not that I am bad but I fall woefully short of the type of perfection needed to engender faith or belief in.
With that said, if I can believe in something that is greater than myself and make decisions based upon that belief I can begin to build toward something grand. For self worth to be achieved the something or someone you believe in must love and value you. You must want to mirror or achieve the attributes and abilities of the thing in which you believe.
This goes for all people regardless of belief system. So I say again:
Belief in something greater than self is the basic building block of self esteem.

lesson

I am slowly learning a good lesson.  I love to learn things as slow as possible so as to maximize suffering! The lesson is that no matter how horrible I feel, I feel worse if I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself.  As miserable as it is sometimes, a few hours out of the house brings me back to life a bit.  I may make a public disturbance, but what is a little embarrassment against feeling dead.

Snow

Snow is the walking mans enemy! I used to love it but now it is a nuisance.  Good thing for a wool coat and a good snow hat.  In fact it looks like a double hat day out there.  Nasty or not the independence does me good.

Foggy

I hate feeling foggy in my head.  It is like looking through a haze and trying to make out whats going on around you.  Just can't get a grasp on my senses. There was a time in my life when the idea of being "out of it" seemed a great idea. Now I'm half wasted all the time and I hate it!
Oh the irony of life!

Fisherman's Prayer

The Breton Fisherman's Prayer says "Oh God thy sea is so great and my boat is so small".  While this must have grand significance to a fisherman at sea, it also has significance to me.  There are many days when I feel lost at sea. Then small and simple things happen that remind me that I am not entirely lost.  It is God's sea after all and he must know all that goes on in it!

Weak

I have heard it said that sleep is for the weak.  If that is true than I should be approaching the size and strength of Hercules. It appears to me that I have proved the adage wrong!

Optimism

I am a born optimist. It has been a blessing and at sometimes a curse throughout my life. That quality is a part of my genetic make up and it is being severely challenged.  Sometimes I win the battle with pessimism and sometimes I lose.  The most interesting part is that life can challenge even the most fundamental things about our nature.

Forget and Remember

I woke up today and the sun was shining and for the first few seconds I had forgotten all of the problems of life.  Then of course I remembered.  The few seconds of freedom from worry were blissful but the recollection was doubly painful.  Not that life is so horrible, but for a second I could have been transported back to a simpler more carefree time.  I'm sure we all feel that occasionally. 
I think that the trade off of emotions I felt this morning was a good trade.

Funny

Saw a funny thing today as I was sitting at the mall waiting for a bus.  I thought it was the epitome of American society.  A lady walked out of the mall with a large cup full of pretzel bites while carrying a GNC bag full of wight loss pills. Fantastic contradiction but a great example of what is wrong with our society.  It's like the Big Mac extra value meal with the diet coke!

Fake it

You ever fake feeling better than you do?  I'm sure we all do that at times.  I am finding one of the most difficult things I deal with each day is to pretend that I feel alright.  Even at home I try and put on an air of decent health. I hate the idea of my kids growing up with memories of dad always being sick.The meds are making me sick in a lot of different ways that affect me constantly. I thought I was going to die at the pine wood derby last night but pretend to be doing fine.  It sucks the fun and life out of most situations.  Definitely a daily challenge. Perhaps it is a futile attempt at normalcy, but I continue to try it anyway.