Judge

We are taught not to judge but judging both others and ourselves against others is as natural as breathing.  What a shame! A judgment is always inaccurate and nearly always unfair.  It hurts others and ourselves.  How would our own self view improve if we stopped viewing ourselves through the lens of the most perfect people we know?
Life has a way of bringing us low. Being low gives a more clear view of reality that is not clouded by our own visions of ourselves.  Seeing myself in a stripped down, no defenses type of situation is educational at the least and life changing at best. Only life changing if I learn the lesson. 
Why did I ever think I knew how people felt? Why did I ever think I could pass judgement on the doings of others? Foolish!
Only One knows and can judge.
Why not leave it to Him and spend our time being decent humans? That is the lesson.

music

Seems that the right kind of music puts my brain at ease.  Can't get enough of the Decemberists lately.  Soothes my mind and soul. Just as the loud overbearingness (not a word) of the movies seems to set me off, the right type of music with the right level of volume does wonders to restore order in my brain.
I crave order in the cerebral regions!

Good People

A week or so ago a good friend from my mission in Portugal called me out of the blue.  I had not spoken to him for probably ten years.  He had read some of this blog and decided to call and chat with me.  It could not have come at a better time as it was one of those days we like to avoid.  His call was a complete surprise but one that changed the outlook of the entire week.
I am grateful for good people who think of others.  I am sure Jeff was very busy that particular day but the 20 min conversation changed what was a rough day for me. 
Never think that you can't make a difference for people. We are all in need at times, it is nice to be able to lift each other up. Don't forget each other.

You can please some of the people all of the time

I am reminded today of the famous words from poet John Lydgate, later adapted by President Lincoln - and appearing in various permutations:
“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”.
Life seems to be a lot like that all the time.  So what do we do? Please some people all the time or all people some of the time? What happens if we try to please everyone all the time?
How about ourselves, were do we fall in that saying? I don't know, but I suppose it is important to make ourselves happy once in awhile.

classes

I have been taking some business classes as I now have some free time.  Not good.  I'm not sure if it is the meds or the epilepsy, but I am having a tough time doing things that have always come easy to me.  Basic figures and equations require more than twice the amount of time than I am accustomed to.  Instead of reading things once and having information stick in my head, I must read 4 or 5 times to get a hold on the material.  
It seems as though I am destined to learn patience.

Movies

Went to the hunger games Saturday with my wife.  Not a good idea.  The noise, camera movement and whatever else set off my brain.  Had seizures all night Saturday night and spent Sunday out of it in bed.  Apparently the big screen and great sound is bad for me.  To bad because I like the movies.  I remember very little of the movie, I think I liked it.
Nothing worse than spending a day in bed; depressing. Needed it but I hate a day like that.  It reminded me of the month of November, not anything I want to relive.
When it gets right down to it being up and about is always better than being down and out.

Tantalize

We often think of the Romans as the most cruel but I can't imagine anyone having a more vindictive and violent imagination than the Greeks.  The punishments doled out to the villains of Greek mythology are to be marveled at. Read recently about Tantalus and the origin of the word tantalize.  He was made to stand chin-deep in water with all kind of sweet-smelling and delicious fruit dangling just over his head, but whenever he tried to drink or eat, the water would magically recede or the fruit would miraculously be lifted just out of his reach. It's this torment, through which something seems to be offered only to be withdrawn again, that has been called, in memory of its best known victim, "tantalize". 

Life does that to us at times.  We are often tantalized by hopes and dreams and often times they slip from our grasps.  Agony.  I am sure we have all been able to sympathize with Tantalus at times. The question is whether or not we continue to reach for the fruit?

Nanny

Now Dick Durban opening congressional probe into bounties in sports.  Go deal with real problems you frickin helicopter nanny!  Makes me want to puke.  We have real problems but the congress is going to look into bounties in sports.  Makes a lot of sense.
Let me say again, puke!

Sound

I think that I am sound sensitive.  For every epileptic there exist triggers that cause them to have trouble.  For some it is bright light for others being tired.  There are many of them.  I am sure that loud noises causes me trouble.  For a long time I have watched TV on mute (drives my family nuts). A train whistle, lots of people speaking at the same time.  Phone ringers.  All things that are part of everyday life.  These seem to be consistent triggers for my brain to go off track. Good to know.
Only problem is my life is filled with these things.
The world is a loud place, gonna take some work managing noise.

dishonesty

Doesn't using dishonesty to prove dishonesty seem hypocritical and backwards?

Truth

Truth is not the wisdom of the crowd but a seemingly elusive fixed point. 
If we could stand still long enough to look for it we would not find it so elusive.

Move

Imagine trying to arrive at a desired destination by sittings down! Can't "get out" by sitting still.  Gotta be moving, trying, pushing, fighting to get what you want. If your stuck in a bad spot or a rut, move!  Seems simple enough but our natural habit is to pout and hope someone else will get us out. I say move, if you move the wrong way, move again another way.
I don't know if this makes any sense, it is early in the morning but I hate self pity and waiting around for something to happen. Even if it is painful, get up and do is better than sitting still.

By the way, you may want to be cautious in reading these posts, it is possible I am losing my mind. Just a disclaimer.

We winning today?

I once had a boss who asked the question, "we winnin today Brad?" every time he walked through the door of the shop.  That was about 10 times a day.  He normally called me Cam and my buddy Brad but that didn't matter.
We always joked about it then but now I find that I ask the same question of myself regularly each day. 
In my mind you win by trying. You only lose when you stop trying.  So for me winning and losing is not that complicated.  Just keep trying and your winning. If you fail one day at something fine, try again. 
Never lock in your failures by quitting.  

how I feel

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sadjfoiwejrgl;ksdvnawuiehwefsjdakjfl;kjioewjfieopjaiodididisajdklcxzcvmxz.,nvxcnm
oweiurqytpodszhxfiuqweqewnq,mrnzsdnjfhxzhfiuwefneqnnzsdhzfuhfowehfuihfljlksdfhau
That is how I feel today!

idleness

There is nothing more soul destroying than idleness.  Being busy for business sake is not good enough.  We must be productive to be fulfilling the measure of our creation.  Without productive behavior we are as useless as we feel.  The days I feel the worst and wish to do nothing are the days I must go and be productive or I lose the battle that day.  Activity and productivity are the destroyers of depression and self loathing.

Blood

Blood is thicker than water is the saying.  What a great thing it is to share blood with a group of people.  Spent the evening with much of my family last night.  Some elemental bond exists between family members.  Spending time with them has a soul soothing influence.
Watching my own kids is another joyful part of life.  Again, a special bond between us.  Perhaps it is the blood shared that creates such a strong and unending bond.

Positives

My powers of concentration as well as my short term memory seem to be the price of managing my seizures.  It is not an altogether bad thing as I have always been rather impulsive in both thoughts and actions.  This has been a curse as often as it has been a blessing.  Now I'm required to think harder and slower about each thing I wish to understand.  My slower mind seems to be bearing fruit as I am learning things I never knew I cared to learn.  Turns out slow methodical thought often trumps quick impulsive thinking.

sunshine

the sunshine helps. hope it stays.  be nice if baseball tryouts were not held in the snow this year!

feeling black

might just be the keppra talking but i'm not feeling blue today, so blue it's black.  good day to give me a wide berth! bad deal for my 3rd and 5th grade basketball teams tonight. 

uncommon days

Wow, from religion to poetry! I must have a lot of free time.

William Wordsworth said this in Ode on intimations of immortality:

 Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
 The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
 Hath had elsewhere its setting,
 And cometh from afar:
 Not in entire forgetfulness,
 And not in utter nakedness,
 But trailing clouds of glory do we come
 From God, who is our home:
 Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
 Shades of the prison-house begin to close
 Upon the growing Boy,
 But He beholds the light, and whence it flows,
 He sees it in his joy;
 The Youth, who daily farther from the east
 Must travel, still is Nature's Priest,
 And by the vision splendid
 Is on his way attended;
 At length the Man perceives it die away,
 And fade into the light of common day.

I hope I don't allow the light of common or uncommon days to wash out what 

is or was inside.

happiness

Jamie Moyer at age 49 trying to make the Rockies, a year after Tommie john surgery.  Guy has made nearly 90 million in his career but just loves to play baseball.  Awesome!
Just get up every day and do what you do.  There is happiness in that I think.

Sermon on the Mount

A lot of religious overtones lately, been reading the sermon on the mount with my family.  Pray for enemies.  Do good to those that hate and use you. Takes a big person, bigger than me to be that meek and humble.  I feel much more powerful and in control when I can hold on to my anger and hatred. 
I suppose that is the lesson intended! 
To let go of the natural emotions and perceived protections of anger, blame and hatred is to let go of part of ourselves and open up to a greater power. I am sure that the results include more power, control and self fulfillment, but I have not experienced that yet.  I will continue to hold on to my pettiness and deny myself a chance at change and growth! Maybe some of you are like me.