Broken Places

Ernest Hemingway certainly lived life to the fullest. He did about everything the most interesting man in the world pretends to do on the commercials.  After the ups and downs of life he made an interesting statement.  One which I really like, he said;

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."


It requires a herculean effort to become strong at the broken places.

Mowing the truck

Nothing says white trash like mowing around the truck! In my defense, I can't drive it, it blocks the hoop in the driveway so it stays over the pine tree stump.
I will continue to mow around it but you have to be careful on the tires with the trimmer!

Real or Imagined

It is concerning when the significant boundary between what is real and what is imagined becomes blurred beyond recognition.   

Life becomes a much scarier thing when what is real seems imagined and what is imagined seems real.  Or some combination of those two.  Can't keep my balance as if the ground was continually shifting under my feet.

If what is going on between my ears was a movie it would be a tough one to follow but it sure would be interesting. 

Anger

Not shaping up to be a good day.  Some days it is a full time job to get my head screwed on strait.  Anger, frustration and irritation are the feelings of the day. 
Hoping to turn that around today.   

Water

I was told yesterday by someone who knows a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff (I'm sure you all know someone like that) that Epilepsy can be cured by drinking lots and lots of water.  Sounds simple.  While I don't believe a word of it desperation has me drinking a gallon of water today!
This is why desperate people make good sales marks.  We are willing to try about anything.
By the way, I hate drinking water in the morning.

Focus

My focus is just a little off. 
Sitting at my desk and popped a handful of grapes into my mouth only to discover after a few seconds that it was a pile of loose change not grapes.  Terrible. Nickles, dimes and pennies make a poor substitute for grapes. 

Little Boxes

"Little boxes" by Walk off the Earth.
Fantastic song.  

Made me think about how well we pigeon hole ourselves and others.  Don't allow yourself to get boxed in by predefined parameters. 

Go out and get what you want!

Combo

I've now traded high agitation, anger and unrealistic paranoia with an overall drunk, unsteady feeling coupled with agitation, anger and unrealistic paranoia.  Not fun to mix the two drugs and the two side effects. 
Like being pulled in two directions at the same time.  Not sure how to feel.  Body and mind are not sure what to do. 
Ugly. 

Gonna take some getting used to.

Happy

Listening to Dolores O'Riordan.  Her voice takes me back. 
Fantastic! The Irish do music well.

I'm enjoying the decent weather.  Not perfect but better than the last few baseball seasons.  Kaleb has his first game tomorrow.  Hope the weather cooperates.

Just thinking; if your not happy, you gotta find happy! It is a personal choice.

Trileptal

Adding Trileptal to my daily regiment of Keppra.  Turns out I have continued to have seizures at a high rate.  They are just a different type.  Pretty discouraging to find out about that yesterday.  Not looking forward to adding the new med as it just adds more side effects.  An uphill battle going on here. 

Going uphill always makes me tired!
Tired but stronger!

doc date 2

Turns out a date to the doctors office really sucks.  Try something else is my recommendation!

Doc Date

Headed to Salt Lake today to meet with the brain doc.  Maybe a change of medication.  Not looking forward to that. 
Our trips to the doc have become our dates.  That is pretty discouraging, but better than nothing!

Outward versus inward

Charles Dickens said "Dignity, and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and waistcoat than some people imagine. "

How often do we use coat and waistcoat or the modern fashionable equivalent to show dignity and holiness when on the inside we are not dignified nor holy?

A good question to ask ourselves everyday. 

peoples responses

When personal challenges become public challenges, peoples responses are interesting and telling. 
It is a lot like how people treat someone they see that is severely handicapped.  Some people are kind and speak to the challenged person with warmth and concern. 
Others can not do anything but stare and show either shock or pity.  Neither which are good.
Others hurry and look away as if to think that if they don't see you there you really aren't.
 In my interactions with people over the last few months and especially the last couple of days, almost everyone falls into these categories. 
I understand because I have seen severely handicapped people and not known what to do.  I have even reacted in each of these ways. 
Now, speaking from experience; speaking directly to the challenged person even about their challenges is better than stealing glances or pretending they are not there. 
Being the guy sitting in the wheelchair as it were gives me a whole new outlook. 
God bless kind people!

Dark side of the moon

Maybe a strange choice tonight but Brain damage from Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon is talking to me tonight

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.

Low blow

Just when you think you've taken life's best punches, life hits you with a low blow! Hard to catch my breath sometimes. 

People are just people

I was riding the bus the other day with two severely handicapped young people, a man in a wheelchair with no legs and two elderly, frail women who were headed shopping but could hardly walk. Also a women fresh out of the women's prison.

Headed up Center street from downtown, the bus passed two restaurants were the fashionable and professional people eat lunch.

I sat on that bus observing polar opposites in lifestyle, appearance and everything else.  I have also sat in both camps having attended those types of lunches and now spending my days with the people on the bus. 

Sitting there I realized something shocking, both groups are the same.  While at first glance they seem to have no similarities, at closer inspection they are full of the same things; fear, hope, faith, anger, love, jealousy, hatred, bias and a thousand other human characteristics.

Admittedly the lives are completely different, but one group does not have the corner on happiness or goodness.  Nor does one group have the corner on poor or villainous behavior.

Turns out people are just people.  So next time you see an undesirable and have the haughty thoughts of superiority or next time you see a haughty or superior person and have the feelings of hatred and jealousy, stop; remember; people are people.

Bipolar

Charles Dickens said, " it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." I always thought those things were mutually exclusive. Now I realize they can coexist in the minds of people. They now coexist in my mind. Bipolar? bull; Life!
Get on with it.

Disconnected

Ever have a dream in which you watch yourself and the other players in the dream but are disconnected from them, even from yourself?  That is how I feel fairly regularly on this drug. 
There seems to be a screen between my mind and everything that goes on around me.  I am becoming increasingly disconnected from reality even from those I am closest to.  It is a lot like living in one of those dreams except that my behavior affects real people. 
Got to get it figured out. I hate it. Sad part is that the medication is working. Hard to know what to do.

Head up and get on with the day I guess!

Good Friday

It is interesting to me that in an increasingly Godless country and world, the center of world finance is closed in observance of Good or Holy Friday.  The day Jesus was crucified.  While it is becoming less and less religious just like Christmas, Good Friday and Easter are special days and I hope the markets never open on Good Friday.

stretched

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread."
J.R. R.Tolkein

Perfect description of how I feel these days.

Pain

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis

thoughts

My thoughts are nicely ordered today; and not suitable for public consumption!

Brackets

I watched nearly every available college basketball game this year. I was completely ready for march madness, which I love.  It did me no good.  One of my worst brackets ever.  I did pick the champion right, however I landed a cool 8th in our family bracket  challenge.  Terrible.  My sister Tara who watched no games cleaned up and blew away the field.
I'd have better luck at the roulette tables. Sounds like a potential career move!

On a side note; come on football season!

Memories

I was weaned on the stories that came from the memories of my parents and grandparents as well as aunts and uncles.  I never tired of listening to the stories from their pasts.  There was always something magical and nostalgic about the past to me.  I felt bonded in some way to the people and places talked about.  It is one of the most important parts of my childhood.

As my short term memory gets worse and worse, I am finding memories of my own past that I had lost somewhere in my mind.  Perhaps it is the shift taking place in my brain that is bringing the past closer to the present and making the present more difficult to hold on to. I am remembering stories told to me as a child.  I am remembering my own experiences.

I was talking to the kids tonight about my dad and his family.  He has been dead for years and the kids have no memory of him. I felt fortunate that my longer term memory is improving and that I can pass on the memories I have to my children. I have vowed to try harder to bond my own children with my past and with that of our family.

Hidden gems; I consider the shift in my brain to be a hidden gem.