Traffic

I despise traffic.  Sometimes it takes forever to get down the street around here for all the traffic.  Can't believe it, I passed two men today on the sidewalk.  I nearly had to step into the grass!
Looks like this town has just grown to big.  I will be looking for a smaller town with fewer walkers per square foot of sidewalk!

Friends

Good friends are good friends no matter what.  They don't seem to mind if I pull the table cloth off the table at lunch or spill a drink and make a scene.  In the last week or so I have been out with three different good friends. I have a friend who sends me a text each day after work to inquire about how my day went.  None of them seem to think that I have changed, which I sometimes forget.  Sometimes in my self imposed isolation I convince myself that I am someone else all together.  It only takes a few minutes with a friend to remind me of who I am.
While I am uncomfortable saying anything nice like this to their faces (uncomfortable with face to face emotion!); I am a fortunate man to have such a host of true friends.

Holy Roller

Like a good boy I woke early to attend to my sabbath morning duties.  My family joined me a few hours later.  I do love early morning church.  It brings a feeling of freshness and rebirth to be attending to religious services early in the morning. For me, going to church early in the morning is a bit like the feeling I get when spring time rolls around.
Just as I was enjoying a lesson I got that "feeling" I get when I am in danger of having a seizure.  I slowly tried to leave the room without causing a scene.  I was successful in getting out the door, but not quite to the couch in the hall.  Aparently I then got a strong case of the "spirit" as I rolled around a bit in the hall way. 
Thus today I was a holly roller!

Australia

I am sure glad that Australia is awake when we are supposed to be sleeping.  The meds are keeping me up most of the night and I am keeping my sanity by watching the Australia open live during the night.  Turns out I can't get enough tennis.
Perhaps a new low for me watching tennis all night but it is keeping me happy!

Most Public

Just had my most visible and public seizure since the beginning.  Standing in the check out line at Smiths today when I fell into a cardboard display of ding dongs.  The cardboard display now resembles the cardboard pile in my garage and I fear Smiths is out quite a number of ding dongs as they fell victim to my considerable weight under the influence of gravity! Not to mention my sore elbow.

The worst part is that it was quite embarrassing as there were a lot of people around.  Nice old fellow tried to help but what could he do?

Not my best moment but I suppose it should be expected occasionally unless I decide to become a complete hermit which I'm not willing to become.

Boys don't care

Sitting here listening to music with my boys. This is standard procedure for us.  We have done this consistently since they were little.  I am finding that consistency and experiencing "sameness" is key to keeping the creeping depression at bay.  I sit here and I feel as if nothing has changed.  They might as well be small again and I might as well be healthy. 
Add to that, the fact that they don't care a wit that I have a disease that has changed life.  Sure it has changed for them also but I am still just Dad and we are still best pals that enjoy music together (particularly Counting Crows tonight).
I love my life and my boys.  Turns out I wouldn't trade my life for any other!

Ordinary

Life is ordinary, until it isn't.

I wish it had stayed ordinary a bit longer!

Next step extraordinary? Perhaps

Loneliness

How long has it been since you moved slow enough to observe others moving fast?  I spent about 20 minutes waiting for a bus as everyone was going to work and starting their days.  I felt like a complete stranger as I watched all these people, some of whom I know, rush off to the life that I had just a few months ago. 

Even though it has been a short time, that lifestyle seems very foreign to me.  I truly feel that I no longer belong to the world as we know it.  That was a very disturbing feeling.  Maybe loneliness is a good description of how I felt? Not sure but it was an acute emotion that I have never had before. 

Am I lonely? No, but perhaps dispossessed by the world I knew is an more accurate description.

simple pleasures

Sometimes it is small things that bring joy and happiness.  Today started out poor and was headed in the wrong way both physically and emotionally. 

This afternoon my five year old daughter wanted to play a game with me.  She came upstairs with the chess board.  Happens to be my favorite game.  I have not played for awhile.  She has a basic understanding of the game but just loves to play with dad.  While is was not the most stimulating chess match I have ever had, it was just what the doctor ordered for me.

Curious how a 20 minute event with my daughter can turn my day around.  I am grateful for her and today's experience.

Humor

All my life I have used humor to deal with difficult situations, personal character flaws or anything else I didn't like about myself.  It has helped me (not necessarily a good thing)  pretend that things were not as bad as they seemed at times.  Humor has helped and continues to help me relieve strain and stress when dealing with my problems.  I am trying to do the same thing with epilepsy.  Things occur that are so frustrating and debilitating that anything short of humor about it is to depressing. 
For example; a week or so ago I was walking down a busy street trying to be a bit independent.  As I strolled along feeling quite fine I had a seizure in mid stride.  I fell hard cracking my ribs and then my head on the sidewalk.  As I regained control of my body I was sure to find a crowd  watching as it was a busy street.  However it seemed as though no one noticed.  I worked my way over to a local church and called my wife to pick me up. 
At the moment it was not very funny.  Since then I have had to look at it as a funny event that would have been great to watch.  Maybe it is morbid but I have tried to imagine what it looked like from the street.  I find myself laughing at myself and it is therapeutic.  Perhaps this does not work for everyone else, but it works for me.  In stead of feeling so discouraged by my inability to be independent I laugh and see each time I venture out on my own as an adventure.
Humor at my own expense has been vital to keeping my spirits up!

Ups and Downs

One thing I am learning is that epilepsy can't seem to make up it's mind when it comes to me.  Four days no trouble feel great. Bam, change of plans, 4 seizures in 24 hours.  I have no strength especially in my legs and cannot lift them enough to walk.  It will be a long day in bed I'm afraid. 

I coach football out at Century High School and Dave the head coach often tells the boys not to get to high or to low during a game.  There will be good things and bad things happen he says, you've got to stay emotionally level.  I feel like that is great advice for me because of the variable nature of my current lifestyle.  It is easy to get really high when I feel well.  Deep dark lows often follow a bad string of seizures. 

Managing those emotions seems to be the order of the day.

A little trouble

I had some work to do today and was looking forward to the use of my newly purchased bus passes.  I had the routes figured out (or so I thought) the tickets in my pocket and a few bucks  in case I needed to stop for some hot chocolate. 

I missed timed the first bus and ended up walking to my first destination.  I did manage to ride the bus for about a block before I realized that my second stop was much closer than I thought. 

Finally with business done I jumped on the bus that would take me to within a mile of my house. After a short phone conversation with a freind of mine I realized that the bus was not taking me home at all but up onto the hill east of my house. 

Just because I love icing on my cake, after getting off the bus to get turned in the proper direction I conveniently had a seizure on the sidewalk putting me in bed for the remainder of the day.

Exasperating, yes, frustrating, absolutely, humorous, without a doubt!  Those three sentiments sum up not only the first half of today, but most every day since this began.

Bus

Going today to buy my first book of 40 bus tickets.  I've got the schedule memorized and I am ready to become a public transportationalist (not a word). The bus stops about a mile from my house 22 minutes after each hour.  Takes a little planning but should get me where I want to go.

Bigger Fish

Strange; a day in which epilepsy and fear of seizures is not my biggest fish to fry.  Not sure I expected that.
Life just continues to go on, know what I mean?

Normal

30 hours seizure free! I can't believe the level of energy and health I feel when not having seizures.  I feel almost, dare I say it, normal!

A few months ago I could not have imagined how fantastically normal it would make me feel to walk down the street.  I walked to the gas station and bought a bottle of coke.  I might as well have gone to Disney world. 

As the pace of my life has been forceably slowed, I have begun to enjoy life's simpler pleasures.
Each day brings a new challenge, I'm glad for the daily successes that help me feel normal.

Guilt

Of all the emotions that I have felt these last few months, the one that puzzles me the most is guilt.  I feel an unbearable amount of guilt for having epilepsy.  The worry, concern and wave after wave of uncertainty about the future that my wife must feel weighs heavy on me.  As my activity level changes and my kids recognize the changes I feel guilt. 
What an odd thing to feel guilt about something that is happening to me.  I recognize that it is an irrational emotion, but it is a real emotion to me and it is crushing at times.

Suffocating!

One of the things that is most difficult for me with regards to my new status as an epileptic is the constant nature of the disease.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night in a panic because I felt so suffocated by this change.  It is with me every second of every hour of every day for the rest of my life.  I still see epilepsy as my enemy, as some unwanted guest that won't leave me alone.  It never leaves my thoughts, like a nightmare that won't go away. 

Not alone

I had no idea how many people are dealing with the same issues I am dealing with.  I am blown away by the number of "regular" people who suffer from different forms of epilepsy. 
Finding such a large online community with whom I can converse and from whom I can get support has filled my sails with wind today. 
Silver lining? Maybe not so much, but definitely a nice surprise.
Here's to us!

Epileptic Discovery

Blogging is something not only new  but completely foreign to me as I am generally a very private person.  This blog is the bi product of my need to express my emotions and experiences as a newly diagnosed epileptic.  

I have mesial frontal lobe epilepsy.  It manifested itself a few months ago at the age of 34 as a series of seizures.  

A complete shock with life changing consequences.  

Each day brings a new batch of issues and challenges.  

I hope with this blog to share those issues and challenges and in so doing, help myself cope with my disease as well as help others that suffer from similar issues.