Of all the emotions that I have felt these last few months, the one that puzzles me the most is guilt. I feel an unbearable amount of guilt for having epilepsy. The worry, concern and wave after wave of uncertainty about the future that my wife must feel weighs heavy on me. As my activity level changes and my kids recognize the changes I feel guilt.
What an odd thing to feel guilt about something that is happening to me. I recognize that it is an irrational emotion, but it is a real emotion to me and it is crushing at times.
I know this emotion inside out.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty when I have a seizure, because of the stress it puts on everyone, the plans it messes up, etc. I feel guilty when I don't have a seizure, because my husband still has to remain with me at home and care for me to ensure our children are safe. I feel guilty at the stress he experiences, the things we can't do..it goes on and on.
But he's stuck with me. And he, like the rest of my family and friends, know that it isn't my fault. It isn't your fault either. It is a periodic short circuit in your brain that you can't control, and it is no less valid than breaking a leg or catching the flu.
It takes longer to get back to a point where you feel you have some control over things again, but for the majority of people that does happen in the end. Don't hide the fact that you feel guilty, because it's something we all feel, but when other people tell you there's no need, try to listen to them.
We can all see the blamelessness in other people's situation with a lot more ease than we can see it in our own.
I find it funny that often many of my emotions come very unexpectedly and surprise me. The things I expect to feel sometimes never actually surface , but often surprised by some very unexpected feelings. Elizabeth is as amazing as you are!
ReplyDeleteJ. Hill, your comment mirrors the feelings I have. The stuck with me comment is how I feel a lot. Thanks for your response.
ReplyDeleteCami, she is!
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