Suffering

Vicktor Frankl said,
"In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

Apparently mine has yet to find a meaning.
Horrifying.

Christianity

True Christian behavior is an amazing thing to experience.  The world would truly be free from it's miseries if we could all behave as Christ did.  Many do!
Blessing to me and to my life. 
Dear God, I hope I can be such a person.

disappointment

When I was young disappointing my dad was a worse punishment than the belt or anything else.  He is not here but the complete and utter failure and disappointment of my life is nearly unbearable.  Regardless of the situation or issue the disapointing of those closest to you is the greatest punishment of all.
Give me the belt, give me anything else.
This public lashing in front of and at the cost of those I love most is inhuman.
Walking, talking disappointment.

Low

Each new low seems to be just a stop on the way to complete devastation, desolation and misery.
Where does it end?

Snap Shots

I am beginning to take snap shots in my mind of the many things that I love.  I want them there in my mental memory chip that will bring hapiness and joy in the time to come. 
Hope the memory chip does not short out!

Gift

Received a Christmas card yesterday from an unnamed individual.  No writing no notes just a really Christmasy card.  Inside was a gift card for $200.  I, the non emotional, against most crying one in the family dissolved into a puddle three times over it. 
On many days I am ready to tell the human race to uh..... go away.  Yet on nearly all of those days someone does something to bless my life a great deal.  The money is invaluable to us however the fact that someone would go out of their way and think of us is life changing for me right now. 
So many good people.

Snow hat

What is it about policemen and people that walk around town?  I was waiting for a ride yesterday sitting on the sidewalk of a pretty busy road.  I was waiting there for quite awhile and apparently that is a no no.  A cop drove by then circled and drove by again.  On the third pass he told me to move along.  I said I was waiting for a ride he said to wait somewhere else. 
So I stood up and leaned against the light pole that was by the road. 
That sucker drove across the street and waited and watched me until I left. 
What the hell did he think I was going to do?
He must have been real bored to harass a short chubby guy in a snow hat.  Not sure which makes me more dangerous to society being short, chubby or wearing a snow hat.  Can't fix the first two so I will wear a different color hat today.

Honorable dream

Night time hallucinations and wildly uncomfortable dreams are back.  Been a few weeks without them.  I almost welcome them from what is in my mind when I am not hallucinating or dreaming.  The trick is making heads or tail of what is real and what is not.
A particularly Honorable individual seems to appear frequently in my dreams, he wear horns. I am terrified of him.

Drowning

I have heard that when your lungs fill with water the panic goes away and is replaced by a period of calm before you drown.
Seems like a dirty trick to get you to quit fighting and give up your life. 
I'm fighting, I hope you are. 

Thanksgiving therapy

I've had a nasty back slide the last few days.  Multiple seizures yesterday along with a decent road flop that almost put me in the canal out past the Chubbuck offices last week.  I was so angry last night that I nearly wrote an anti thanksgiving post that was to include a significant number of inappropriate words and phrases!

At 7 this morning my six year old daughter Alena got up and sat with me in the rocking chair.  She and I sat with a blanket watching bugs bunny.  Therapy! Free therapy!

I'm thankful for small moments of happiness.  That 20 minute experience changed my whole outlook on today and this holiday.  Thankful for kids who don't give a damn, they just want to be with their dad. 

Old Joe

Staying on point with Great Expectation references.  As I finished it up again this last week I was again struck at how nearly perfect a person Joe Gargery is.  If we were all a little more like good old Joe the world would be a fabulous place to live.  I am shocked how many times he has reason to become less than he is but he always stays true to his better angels.
His simple aproach to life and his never ending Christlike nature are exemplary. 
Can I be dominated by my better angels during devilish times?

Monsters

Sorry for the Dickens reference but it is my favorite story.  So many pertinent lessons.
Magwitch is the bane and terror of young Pip's life, he then becomes the founder of his fortune and ultimately it is Able Magwitch who turns him into a strong, mature, compationate man who lives a happy and full life.

Yet at the beginning he was an ugly, violent terrifying monster. No good could possibly have come from him and his interaction with Pip.  I wonder about the terrifying monsters in our lives.  Can they become the catalyst for a full and happy life? In my good moments that is how I feel about the current crisis.  Unimaginably ugly and scary but perhaps ultimately grinding my life into something good. 

Able Magwitch

At times in our lives Abel Magwitch sits us on a tombstone and appears to turn our lives upside down.  Never can we tell however what the Magwitch moment means for us.  Sometimes a lifetime is required to understand. 

Malfunction

Wondered off a bad one yesterday.  Had about a two hour lapse in brain function.  Elizabeth found me down by the U.S. Bank on Center street.  No memory of how I got there.  I do remember being really cold.  It is a really odd feeling to find yourself in a seemingly strange place with no memory of getting there.  Takes a day or so to shake it off. 
Feeling good today. I don't think I will ever get used to living with a malfunctioning melon.

Darkness

Please disregard the previous post.

Hatred, revenge and vindictivness seem a better way to be!

The list of people I hate and wish the worst for is rather long today. 

I'm sure Jesus was right, but today I choose darkness.

Moral philosophy

I don't know what you believe Jesus to be.  One thing is certain.  His moral philosophy was absolutely celestial in its perfection.

Turn the other cheek; pray for them that use and hate you; forgive and forget.

Thoughts that change people, lives and societies.  

These are nearly as hard to achieve as they are blessed in their results.

Daughter

My six year old daughter had a seizure this morning.  Scary.  Not sure if we are hoping for it to be blood sugar or something else related, but I surely don't want it to be epilepsy.

She has done okay the rest of the day.  Damn these bodies sometimes!

Dad

Dad always told me that life is not fair.  He was right!

Unimaginably sorry is often our plight in life.

How to get through?

Hook

As is common with my bus trips, there was an interesting individual yesterday on the C  bus. 

This is no joke; at the third stop after I boarded the bus a large, well built bearded man entered the bus.  I only took notice because he was uncommonly large.  Upon further inspection he had a very large hook where his left hand should have been!
Being of a sensitive disposition I only stared for a minute or two. 
Although I am sure he is a gentle soul and that I have completely misjudged another of God's children, his size, beard and hook made him a menacing sight. 
Having recently viewed a few of the more emotionally disturbing movies in light of Halloween, my imagination was running wild by the fifth stop. I was glad to escape with my life at the 7th stop.

life's lemons

When life hands you lemons...

You eat them.

Bus, Bike Route

Devastation.
Nearly a year after my first seizure and many months since my last seizure yesterday was a starting over point.  I know that this is the way of life for epileptics.  However each time I go many days without any brain tremors I nearly forget and decide that it will never happen again.  Certainly not what I needed right now but perhaps I was getting a bit to big for my britches and needed to go back on the bus tour to remember what is important in life.
Luckily many of the bus routes run withing 200 yards of work and if the weather cooperates I can ride my bike here and back without any trouble. 
It sure is hard to make heads or tails of life's wims. I wish I could understand. 
Seems very random and chaotic; cruel even.

Life Happens

Sometimes life happens and it drives us to wonder about life.
Seems that life is easy to understand when it does what it is supposed to.
When it acts up do we believe what we said we believed?
Good Question!

Talent

Ever wish you were good at something?

I do.

Kind=Great

Seems that everytime  I get to the point where all is want is to tell the world to kiss my uh arm. I am set upon by great and kind people. 
Thanks to the great and kind people in the world.

I'm grateful

Lesson

If lusting after a women is tantamout to adultery is saying the f word in my head as bad as saying it out loud? If so I might as well start saying it out loud.
Wait; perhaps I missed the lesson there.

Miserable

Miserable.  Gone back on the generic and it is like starting all over on a new drug.  It seems that the generic and the name brand would not be so diferent as to cause side effect changes.  Just like when I started this drug the first time, I spend 3 or 4 hours a day feeling considerably under the influence. I have broken out is sores on a large portion of my body and I feel downright bleak.
Last time it took 3 or 4 weeks to even out.  I hope this time it goes faster.  I hate this.

By the way this weather knows what it is talking about.  Dark, cold and miserable!

Somebody

How do you continue to be somebody when you are officially nobody?

Friendly Tom

A friend gave me something to read and I read it. 

Perhaps that old Tom Cat that waits for me on the rock out front and haunts my nights might be on my side!

A good change of perspective for me.  It would be nice to have a friend on the long nights.

Pain

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
Good line from a funny movie full of great lines. 
This one rings truer than I'd like.  There exists many types of pain, but it is a constant from day to day.
Can I cope?

Yetis

My latest therapy on days I'm having a bit of crazy is to go down in the bottoms and look for yetis. I haven't found any yet.

perfect blue buildings

It's 4:30 A.M. on a Tuesday.
It doesn't get much worse than this.
In beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle
Of these lives which are completely meaningless,
Help me stay awake, I'm fallin'...

Asleep in perfect blue buildings,
Beside the green apple sea,
I wanna get me a little oblivion, baby,
And try to keep myself away from me.

memory

Haven't written much lately.
Body working pretty well,
Brain not working at all. Lots of memory trouble.
Surviving.

Name brand

I've been changed from the generic to the name brand.  You would think that the side effects would be similar but the have been different.  It has been like starting a new medication.  It is working still and I feel pretty good.  One good side effect, it makes me sick all the time so I have no appetite and don't eat much.  For many of you that would be terrible.  It is great for me.  I have lost 9 pounds.  Hope that keeps up, I only have about 31 to go!

Surgery

Met a man Sunday who was diagnosed with epilepsy at 12 years old.  At age 22 he elected to undergo brain surgery to remove the portion of his brain that was malfunctioning.  It went well for him and has improved  his lifestyle.
We have discussed this option with my doc many times.  The form of epilepsy I have is what she calls intractable.  Meaning that eventually medication will not work for me.  In that case the surgery would be my only option to live normally.  Perhaps I should do it sooner rather than later. 
Just can't bring myself to let someone cut my skull off and scoop out part of my thinker.

Cat

There is a big tom cat that rules the neighborhood and has since we moved in.  He is big and nasty and spends his nights fighting and impregnating female cats.  We have two catnip plants out front and each night he chews on them.  He then sits on a rock in the flower bed and stares in my front window.  I know because I am often up.  I hate that creepy cat.  I swear he is there to freak me out. He is evil I'm sure!
On nights were my mind becomes lost and I cannot control thoughts, actions and imagination he always sets my hallucination off. I see cats, people animals and all sorts of things that make me practically run and hide. Last night was my first real fever and sickness since I began taking medications for epilepsy. The high fever did not mix well with the meds and I had a wild one.  Sure enough there was that big Tom at 2 o'clock staring at me.  I must have stood there for a half hour staring back.  Then the fun began. Psychotic is the best description of these experiences.  Wish it would stop happening.  Makes for a long night.  Gonna have to lay in wait and kill that cat.  No wonder the Egyptians were afraid of cats.

Identity

You learn who you really are when the person you thought you were gets taken away from you.  A painful process for sure.  

We view ourselves based upon what is around us instead of what is inside of us. 
Once the things around us that seemed our identity are stripped away, then can we see ourselves naked, with no covering. 

It is a terrifying, agonizing and soul wrenching exercise that can become soul destroying if allowed.

I'm sure it is important, however sometimes I wish there was another way!

Swings

Always surprised by the bipolar swings of our day to day lives.  Yesterday was a bad medicine day.  It effected me most of the day which takes away my ability to think clearly and my mood is also effected significantly.  I felt dark, discouraged and without hope for a better future.

Today I awoke feeling strong, clear headed and excited for they day ahead.  Why? I have no idea.  What forces both external and internal cause such swings in our day to day lives. It must be more than the brain altering medication.  I would like to find the culprit and give it a good beating!

Health

Overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm driving a bit and riding my bike a lot.  My brain is much sharper than it has been these last months.  My ability to process qualitative data is improving every day.  However processing quantitative data continues to escape me.
My main problem is the hallucinations that plague me at night. When I take my medicine and fall asleep and then wake up after sleeping for a short time I am not in control of my mind.  It is like living in a dream, knowing it is not real but not able to convince myself it is not real.  It is a strange feeling that I hate and I can't yet find a remedy. 
Taking stock of all of it I am happy with the way I feel.  I can keep this up.

Ghost in the fog

"Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right"

Adam Duritz is fantastic!

Ever feel like a ghost in the fog?

Life

Life is basically sweet, rewarding and full of joy. 
The things we do to each other are what make it miserable, depressive and difficult.

scarlet letter

Been reading the scarlet letter. Theme never seems to go out of date.

Demons

The better angels of my mind and nature are regularly being shouted down and drowned out by my demons.

As the shouts grow louder the angels recede until there are times that I find that I am the demon shouting.

Hatred, Anger, Revenge; emotions that sustain me.

Humor

Some humor on an otherwise humorless and difficult day. 
Since I am nearly preparing for next years Tour de France, my wife thought it would be good for me to have a real cycling jersey.  Keep in mind that cycling jerseys are not made for people of my, uh, build. So she calls and asks and calls and asks and finds that a XX jersey should fit me.  It arrived yesterday.
It fit my arm.
Not every day you can't even get a 2 x shirt over your shoulders.  While quite discouraging it was very funny and even funnier when I think about it this morning.
I guess my Tour de France run will have to wait until I can fit into a jersey.  Might be a few years.

Hard things

My wife has a lot of little sayings that she consistently uses with my kids.  One of those sayings is "you can do hard things".
In life we are often asked to practice what we preach.  I guess we will see if I can do hard things.

wake up

Ever wake up in the morning and remember who you are and think...... Shit!

Funeral

Attended a funeral in which I identified with the person in the casket more than with the people in the pews. 

Feeling dead to the things of this world.

It's like watching your self live but not really living.

Strange.

No worries, just expressing.

New drug induced sensations!

Driving

Many of you have seen me driving and I am sure were running for cover.  However the dmoov has given me a drivers license and with good judgement and such I am driving occasionally. 
It is perhaps the most liberating (since when has the white male needed to be liberated!) feeling in the world to be able to take yourself to the gas station.  I find that it is so fun that I go and purchase a McDonald's one dollar coke at least once a day.  Don't get me wrong it is the best coke in town but the main driver behind such trips is to buy a coke on my own. I now drive the one mile to Walmart to hang out. Certainly not everyone's best choice of hangouts but it is closer to home than other places, plus I fit right in there. Just the other day I saw a man there with his shirt pulled over his head and I thought hey that could be me!
I will however miss my bus riding experiences.  I have a few tickets left and will have to ride occasionally just for the good memories.

Anyway if you see me give a big wave because I am sixteen all over again!

Sun

The sun came up, that's good. Hopefully the metaphor holds true.

Dark

Dark, I feel dark on the inside.  Suffocating darkness. In the ups and downs of the battle with my malfunctioning brain, today seems a new low. I seem to remember reading a bible verse about after the dark the sun rises or some such thing.
I'm hoping.

mind and body

I am continually astonished at the overwhelming effect the body has on the mind and the mind on the body.  A healthy mind will positively effect the health of the body just as a sick mind will definitely cause health problems for the body. On the flip side a healthy body helps nurture a stronger and clearer mind just as a body with problems will darken and cloud the mind. It requires the health of both to be a truly healthy person.
I can't seem to get both to work at the same time.
It is a daily challenge to manage my new brain malfunctions as well as the resulting issues they cause my body.
What is it that the little train that could kept saying? I find it hard to remember.

Death by Rooster

I rode out Siphon to Truckersville and back yesterday and nearly died by Rooster! As I rode I could see two big roosters in the road.  One in each lane.  I have known roosters to be both stupid and mean so I was a little concerned as my balance is less than perfect and maybe not that good. I decided to ride between them.  I was going about 21 miles per hour and thought I could split them before they reacted to either run under a tire or try and peck me, both of which would have me on my side.  I was wrong.
The one on the right went left and the one on the left went right.  They crisscrossed just in front of me and I missed hitting them by inches! By some miracle I did not lose my balance and crash however my hear rate rose to an alarming rate, as you can imagine.
Funny now but I seem to have said some unacceptable things about those two chickens as I rode on.  Also I think I will skip any "out of town" rides for awhile.

50 Miles

50 miles on the bike today.  Felt pretty good and I can still feel my limbs and use my muscles.  That is not always the case when I use up that much sodium. 
When I ride for more than an hour and a half I seem to see more signs of epilepsy and seizure also so we will see today.  So far so good.

Being epileptic

One of the most irritating things about being epileptic is that if I am anywhere for more than a few minutes my wife wants to know if I am okay.  It is a lot like being a two year old.  Drives me crazy. 
Full time job for my wife.  She has to know where Mia and I are at all times lest we hurt ourselves.

Independence, a thing of the past.

Conical spiral

This is a basic equation for a conical spiral.  

The conical spiral with angular frequency on a cone of height and radius is a space curve given by the parametric equations

			(1)
			(2)
			(3)

The general form has parametric equations

			(4)
			(5)
			(6)

This curve has arc length function, curvature, and torsion given by

			(7)
			(8)

I like to dumb it down and call it my life being trapped in time.

Sorry an odd thought but one I couldn't get out of my mind today. You spiral down or you spiral up. No end in sight.

Mirrors

Out on my bike today and I feel like an athlete again, dare I say I feel in good shape.  Then I return to a place of mirrors, my house and then;

Damn!

Trip

Spent the last 8 days in Island Park.  Fantastic.  Not sure the last time I enjoyed something so much.
I have joked with my brothers that if I try and go fishing I could always tie myself to a tree in case of a seizure so that I don't float away.  Probably not a bad idea.  However we fished the Henry's fork quite a bit and I had no seizures nor did I tie myself to a tree.
Perhaps it was the river or the fishing or the relaxing nature of our trip but I felt better than I have felt since all this started back in October.  If not for the daily taking of medication I would have completely forgotten that anything had happened.  I felt as I felt any summer before this one.  As I sit here today, that feeling has not completely gone away.  I hope it never does!

Overdose

No change in Trileptal dosage but a change in the size of the pills.  Supposed to be more convenient.  Not good.  Took 300 mg more than I'm supposed to last night.  Needless to say had a very interesting evening.  I'd tell you about it but you would think I'm crazy. One thing I will say.  I was sure I heard water running and I walked around in the rain last night checking each hose over and over until about 1 am.  It is also possible I was in my underwear.

Salt water

Nothing quite like a nice cold glass of ice water filled with table salt on a hot day! Terrible to drink; good on my sodium level. Makes an almost instant difference.

Lemons

We've all heard the one about how when life hands you lemons you just make lemonade. 
Nice turn of phrase but how long has it been since any of you have made lemonade out of real lemons?
Probably tougher than it seems.

Self wisdon

Self deprecation is better than self deception.

Count your blessings

Homes burned down people without necessities; count your blessings.

Blind man in a wheelchair on the bus yesterday; count your blessings.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness even if politics are a mess; count your blessings.

Time

Question; is time an enemy or an ally? 
I've hear the saying that time heals all wounds.
We also all bemoan the rapid passage of time as it seems to steal away the time we spend with family and friends, especially with our children.
So which is it?  My life is something of a wreck right now and I say to myself that it is just time and in time things will go back to normal.  However, for all our challenges, we are experiencing great happiness and exciting times with our kids. I hate for those things to pass to quickly. 
Rambling here but it was a question I was asking myself during the night last night. 

Time: A real conundrum!

Pretense

I've written a few times about being useful and how important it is for our self  confidence and happiness.

I wake up every morning and pretend I am useful.  Then by about noon I recognize the pretense and begin punching myself in the ego and a little in the face to!

By bedtime I am significantly bruised.

Oblivion

Being yanked and pulled into oblivion by what seems like an invisible enemy.

How to fight back against an enemy that is my own brain?

Numb

My face is numb, my face is numb, my face, my face, my face is numb!

Landon had hoops academy practice last nigh and my face was numb last night also.  I was so lit I could barely walk.  It was embarrassing. 

I am a f$%#&*@ embarrassment to anyone around me. 

I love Pink Floyd's comfortably numb but this numb is not comfortable.

Seizure free three months

Six days short of a seizure free three months!

This morning had a seizure.  Utter devastation! Not sure I have felt this low since this all began. 

It is like the east wind that was stealing me away from me and my family has returned and begun to blow again through my life.

What to do,?            Survive.

walker

Over the last week there has appeared a new man on the walking, bus riding circuit. He looks a little suspicious.  I am recommending a background check.

Yes, there exists a social hierarchy even among the homeless, strange, undesirable class with whom I spend my days.

Anger

Why is anger such a dominant defense mechanism?  When life takes a negative turn, anger becomes an overwhelmingly powerful influence.  The worst part of it is that the anger often times is pointed towards the people who don't deserve it and who we love the most.

There are days I attempt to shuck off the anger I feel, and it is a terrifying thing to do.  It has become one of the emotions I can hold on to no matter how poor I feel.  In fact the worse I feel, the stronger my draw towards anger becomes.

I'd be better without anger but it dominates me ofttimes.

Examined

So if the unexamined life is not worth living, what does an examined life look like?  Examined by whom? What would constitute an examined life.  It must have something to do with being pushed, pulled and otherwise manipulated.  What does your life look like when your being stretched or twisted or squeezed?
That is what Socrates is talking about, I think. 
Seems that life is like building muscle; sore and uncomfortable but part of the process.  Does it mean that if I am not hurting I am not growing? not sure.  Good thing to think on over the weekend.

Life unexamined

The unexamined life is not worth living.

 

                           Socrates, (469 BC - 399 BC)

 

 

falling

A follow up to yesterdays post:

Would you rather know about the cliff and feel the fear and try avoid falling or would you rather be in the dark about the danger and go along fearlessly as long as possible until falling?

It is a great question.  Often I feel as though I was in the dark and have now fallen.  Based upon the shock of falling I would rather know of the danger and feel some fear.

Feel Fear?

When walking on the edge of a cliff, unaware of the deathly crag, do you feel fear?

Not until you fall!

Then it is to late.

driving

My 6 year old daughter prays every day that her dad will get better so he can start driving again.  Not sure if it is an indictment of my wife's driving or just hoping for our life to get back to normal, but I find that I get emotional every time she says it. 

Christians vs. Jackasses

Lots of people call themselves Christians.  For most of them I have met lately that appellation gives them the right to behave as  complete jackasses, as Grandpa would say.  Of course he would always say excuse me before he said it.
Whatever brand of Christian you are act like it!
I think I will tell people that I am a jackass and thereby be accurate.

Forgot

The one thing I love most about life.....

I can't remember.

Puke

Ever try to describe your self with a word.  I do. Today the only word I can come up with is puke.


P.S. this is not a sympathy post.  I love you all but I hate sympathy miners.

Fat vs. Unhealthy

I have been informed by my wife that we can no longer talk about fat or skinny but about healthy v. unhealthy.  Apparently it has a more positive vibe to it.  The problem with it is that I'm fat and shes skinny and now I now that unhealthy means fat.  So it is not any more positive for me!

Another thing about unhealthy people: When we watch an exercise commercial or see people in shape for a short time we think we are them! I happen to like the crossfit workouts and games.  I think it is fantastic however I can do a grand total of 3 pullups nor can I climb a rope but when I watch I am sure I can do all the things I see.
I think that until I next walk up the stairs!

I do!

Ever feel like breaking someone's jaw ? Or breaking an object over someone's head? Or a karate chop to the Adams apple? Or a variation of those?
I do.

Living with Epilepsy; Jenny LaBaw

“Jenny LaBaw: Living With Epilepsy” | Marcus Brown

marcusbrown.net

I posted this on facebook yesterday but it is worth seeing here as well.  If you click on the link it should get you to the site of the video.  Pretty inspirational.  I love it.  Just gives a good look at going to get you dreams.  
Plus, look at her! My 5'8' (generous) 225 is not very inspirational. 

Happy

I hope you are all happy.  Regardless of the situation you should be happy.  I'm learning that outside influence should be not be able to control my mood.  It happens a lot but it should not.  If there is something that is keeping you from being happy; fix it.  Not saying to throw your family to the wolves or whatever, I'm saying fix relationships, or do whatever necessary to be happy.  Life is way to hard to be miserable.  Without some joy life is unbearable!
Rambling here but the thought is that we should all figure out a way to be happy.

Embarrassing

You know when a kid you would make a noise with your mouth and then quickly run a finger over your lips makes a funny bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb sound? At least I think that is the sound.  Funny when a kid does it.  Disturbing when an adult does it.  I did that in front of ten or fifteen people today. 

Embarrassing myself each and every day!

That is not my goal each morning but at least I am consistent with it!

Useful

I can't feel my face! 1200 mg twice a day starting yesterday.  I can't feel my face.  Good thing it will wear off. 

Spent yesterday helping a friend put up some sheet rock.  I did break a piece of sheet rock in my mind altered state. Or maybe it is my super human strength? No must be the mind problem. Keep in mind I am not good at doing things like, everything. 

However I felt something I haven't felt in a while. 
Useful. 

I am finding that the worst thing about my current life is that I feel completely useless. I can see how feeling depressive and not accomplishing anything productive go hand in hand.  Gotta get up each day with a list of things to do to be productive.

hills and valleys

Saturday was a perfect day.  Slept in a bit.  Watched my daughter play soccer and then worked in the yard the rest of the day with my wife and kids.  This is not very notable as it was a pretty standard spring Saturday.  The notable thing about it was not the weather the yard work or anything like that.  The notable portion of the day was that I felt completely normal.  It seems that I was insulated from all of the problems that surround me.  It was as if our lives were completely charmed for that particular day.  I felt good, great even.  No one bothered me.  Everyone I saw was pleasant and friendly.  I did not have a care in the world.  It was beautiful. 
It was not just a hill in the game of hills and valleys that represent our lifes but a mountain.  I would like to have experienced the heights for a little longer but alas here I am in the valley below again. 
That is life as they say!

experiment

If you like social experiments I have a good one for you. 
Go to a "nice" part of town and just stand. Stand on a corner or under a tree and just watch the reaction of the drivers as they go past. 
It won't work if your in a part of town where most people walk and a lot of "undesirables" live and hang out because you just blend in.
A few days ago I was on the corner of Whitaker and Chubbuck waiting for a bus.  It was hot so I stood under a tree for shade as I waited.  I was there for around 20 min.  In that time every single driver that went by stared at me as if they were trying to get a good description to give the cops when I committed a crime!
Many of these people I knew and after a few seconds of staring they recognized me and waved.  But none failed to stare at me as if it is an odd thing to be on the corner on foot. 
So go to a nice neighborhood and just stand on the corner as if your waiting for something.  Smile and wave and be friendly.  It won't matter people will stare and even give questioning looks as if to ask what your up to.  Pretty interesting.
As I've said before I learn a lot by not being in a hurry and watching all of you be in a hurry.  People watching has become my favorite pass time. 

Candy and Time

My writing skills have obviously hit a new low.  Now writing about candy.  Don't hold it against me, mornings are bad for my brain.  I have no memory of writing about it.  However I do like peanut m&ms but a bit of a strange post. 

On a different topic.  What is it about true friends that makes it so that you don't have to speak every day or week or even month to stay close.  It is a bond that spans time and distance.
(time and distance might be the same thing; thought for another day).
Doesn't require to many true friends to make life rich.

peanut m&ms

I love peanut m&ms and also Hershey kisses with almonds in them.  Even though I like fresh coconut I hate mounds or almond joy, whichever one has coconut. 
Peanut m&ms are my favorite.

Impairment

900 mg of trileptal this morning. Significant impairment! Gonna be a long morning.

Friendship

A little earlier today I had a very educational, interesting and telling experience with two individuals.  I had conversations with these two people virtually at the same time.  One has been a friend for some years and has expressed his support and love for me and my family.  The other is a person with whom I have the beginnings of a friendship.  I have also done business with both of them.

During a 15 minute span, one of the two expressed love and hope for myself and my family and did so with genuine concern and friendship.  His conversation built me up and made an average day much better. 

The other, based on a discussion he had with "some people" essentially called me a liar but indicated he would pray for me in spite of me.

The positive and genuine discussion was not with the friend of years from whom I would have expected it but from a man that I have only known for a short time and all in a business nature. 

The negative discussion which buried me for a few hours in anger and sadness came from the friend with whom I have had a strong even deep friendship.

Not sure there is a moral to the story, but it did not happen as I thought it would.  Turns out everyone has their own way of being and that no matter how deep a friendship or relationship, it can be buried in an instant.

Sorry this is a little long. Just food for thought.

Cabo Verde

I saw this video today thanks to a friend of mine.  I spent many months on these islands in 1997.  What great memories.  It reminded me of great times and the fact that good things happen everyday all around the world thanks to good people.

http://www.lds.org/pages/cape-verde-video?lang=eng&country=gb&cid=facebook-shared

I'm not very tech savy so I'm not sure if the link will work.  I just copied it here.  Good luck

Drunk bike riding

My sister in law made an astute comment yesterday about my writing here.  She thought it interesting and a bit humorous that my post about feeling drunk came so short after my post regarding my bike riding.  Perhaps she said riding the bike while drunk may not be the best idea. 
I fully concur.  To my credit I have been intelligent enough to ride my bike during the hours of the day when I feel the least drunk!
What I'm trying to say is that while I may not be very smart, I am doing my best to not be a drunk rider. Healthier that way.
Thanks Becky for looking out for me.

Drunk

As I increase the level of trileptal that I am taking I am now a walking drunk that may or may not have a seizure.  A pretty decent combination for comic relief.  From 8 am to noon and from 8 pm till bed time I am pretty shaky.  I am wondering if single malt scotch would give me the same benefits?  It would defiantly taste better.
Joking aside I am doing better but feeling like an alcoholic by 8 am is a bit of a struggle.

Mouth breathing

Sometimes when the bus is a bit full one is required to breath out of the mouth!
Should be a warning sign on the side of the bus.

Fat guy on a bike

Remember fat guy in a little coat? Funny. Ever seen a fat guy on a bike? also funny.
I can't see myself on my bike however I can imagine it is really funny.  I may not be Chris Farley but me playing fat guy in spandex on a bike is like a train wreck; just can't look away.
Do me a favor, laugh in your cars and don't honk, I'm likely to crash!

Understanding

No matter what God you believe in, there are times when it would be nice to have the ability to read God's mind.  There are moments when my frustrations over not understanding the whats and whys of life drive me to distraction.  Sometimes that distraction drives me to question the fundamental beliefs that have sustained me all my life.   I don't see this as an entirely bad thing. 
When was the last time you evaluated what you really believe about the purpose of this life?
When was the last time you questioned why you do what you do and live the way you live?
A worthwhile exercise!
As I attempt to read God's mind, I am finding that my limited understanding and vision of this existence hinders my ability to see what He sees.  Blind faith is not acceptable to me but waiting on understanding works. 
The waiting is the hard part.
Patience!

Broken Places

Ernest Hemingway certainly lived life to the fullest. He did about everything the most interesting man in the world pretends to do on the commercials.  After the ups and downs of life he made an interesting statement.  One which I really like, he said;

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."


It requires a herculean effort to become strong at the broken places.

Mowing the truck

Nothing says white trash like mowing around the truck! In my defense, I can't drive it, it blocks the hoop in the driveway so it stays over the pine tree stump.
I will continue to mow around it but you have to be careful on the tires with the trimmer!

Real or Imagined

It is concerning when the significant boundary between what is real and what is imagined becomes blurred beyond recognition.   

Life becomes a much scarier thing when what is real seems imagined and what is imagined seems real.  Or some combination of those two.  Can't keep my balance as if the ground was continually shifting under my feet.

If what is going on between my ears was a movie it would be a tough one to follow but it sure would be interesting. 

Anger

Not shaping up to be a good day.  Some days it is a full time job to get my head screwed on strait.  Anger, frustration and irritation are the feelings of the day. 
Hoping to turn that around today.   

Water

I was told yesterday by someone who knows a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff (I'm sure you all know someone like that) that Epilepsy can be cured by drinking lots and lots of water.  Sounds simple.  While I don't believe a word of it desperation has me drinking a gallon of water today!
This is why desperate people make good sales marks.  We are willing to try about anything.
By the way, I hate drinking water in the morning.

Focus

My focus is just a little off. 
Sitting at my desk and popped a handful of grapes into my mouth only to discover after a few seconds that it was a pile of loose change not grapes.  Terrible. Nickles, dimes and pennies make a poor substitute for grapes. 

Little Boxes

"Little boxes" by Walk off the Earth.
Fantastic song.  

Made me think about how well we pigeon hole ourselves and others.  Don't allow yourself to get boxed in by predefined parameters. 

Go out and get what you want!

Combo

I've now traded high agitation, anger and unrealistic paranoia with an overall drunk, unsteady feeling coupled with agitation, anger and unrealistic paranoia.  Not fun to mix the two drugs and the two side effects. 
Like being pulled in two directions at the same time.  Not sure how to feel.  Body and mind are not sure what to do. 
Ugly. 

Gonna take some getting used to.

Happy

Listening to Dolores O'Riordan.  Her voice takes me back. 
Fantastic! The Irish do music well.

I'm enjoying the decent weather.  Not perfect but better than the last few baseball seasons.  Kaleb has his first game tomorrow.  Hope the weather cooperates.

Just thinking; if your not happy, you gotta find happy! It is a personal choice.

Trileptal

Adding Trileptal to my daily regiment of Keppra.  Turns out I have continued to have seizures at a high rate.  They are just a different type.  Pretty discouraging to find out about that yesterday.  Not looking forward to adding the new med as it just adds more side effects.  An uphill battle going on here. 

Going uphill always makes me tired!
Tired but stronger!

doc date 2

Turns out a date to the doctors office really sucks.  Try something else is my recommendation!

Doc Date

Headed to Salt Lake today to meet with the brain doc.  Maybe a change of medication.  Not looking forward to that. 
Our trips to the doc have become our dates.  That is pretty discouraging, but better than nothing!

Outward versus inward

Charles Dickens said "Dignity, and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and waistcoat than some people imagine. "

How often do we use coat and waistcoat or the modern fashionable equivalent to show dignity and holiness when on the inside we are not dignified nor holy?

A good question to ask ourselves everyday. 

peoples responses

When personal challenges become public challenges, peoples responses are interesting and telling. 
It is a lot like how people treat someone they see that is severely handicapped.  Some people are kind and speak to the challenged person with warmth and concern. 
Others can not do anything but stare and show either shock or pity.  Neither which are good.
Others hurry and look away as if to think that if they don't see you there you really aren't.
 In my interactions with people over the last few months and especially the last couple of days, almost everyone falls into these categories. 
I understand because I have seen severely handicapped people and not known what to do.  I have even reacted in each of these ways. 
Now, speaking from experience; speaking directly to the challenged person even about their challenges is better than stealing glances or pretending they are not there. 
Being the guy sitting in the wheelchair as it were gives me a whole new outlook. 
God bless kind people!

Dark side of the moon

Maybe a strange choice tonight but Brain damage from Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon is talking to me tonight

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.

Low blow

Just when you think you've taken life's best punches, life hits you with a low blow! Hard to catch my breath sometimes. 

People are just people

I was riding the bus the other day with two severely handicapped young people, a man in a wheelchair with no legs and two elderly, frail women who were headed shopping but could hardly walk. Also a women fresh out of the women's prison.

Headed up Center street from downtown, the bus passed two restaurants were the fashionable and professional people eat lunch.

I sat on that bus observing polar opposites in lifestyle, appearance and everything else.  I have also sat in both camps having attended those types of lunches and now spending my days with the people on the bus. 

Sitting there I realized something shocking, both groups are the same.  While at first glance they seem to have no similarities, at closer inspection they are full of the same things; fear, hope, faith, anger, love, jealousy, hatred, bias and a thousand other human characteristics.

Admittedly the lives are completely different, but one group does not have the corner on happiness or goodness.  Nor does one group have the corner on poor or villainous behavior.

Turns out people are just people.  So next time you see an undesirable and have the haughty thoughts of superiority or next time you see a haughty or superior person and have the feelings of hatred and jealousy, stop; remember; people are people.

Bipolar

Charles Dickens said, " it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." I always thought those things were mutually exclusive. Now I realize they can coexist in the minds of people. They now coexist in my mind. Bipolar? bull; Life!
Get on with it.

Disconnected

Ever have a dream in which you watch yourself and the other players in the dream but are disconnected from them, even from yourself?  That is how I feel fairly regularly on this drug. 
There seems to be a screen between my mind and everything that goes on around me.  I am becoming increasingly disconnected from reality even from those I am closest to.  It is a lot like living in one of those dreams except that my behavior affects real people. 
Got to get it figured out. I hate it. Sad part is that the medication is working. Hard to know what to do.

Head up and get on with the day I guess!

Good Friday

It is interesting to me that in an increasingly Godless country and world, the center of world finance is closed in observance of Good or Holy Friday.  The day Jesus was crucified.  While it is becoming less and less religious just like Christmas, Good Friday and Easter are special days and I hope the markets never open on Good Friday.

stretched

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread."
J.R. R.Tolkein

Perfect description of how I feel these days.

Pain

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis

thoughts

My thoughts are nicely ordered today; and not suitable for public consumption!

Brackets

I watched nearly every available college basketball game this year. I was completely ready for march madness, which I love.  It did me no good.  One of my worst brackets ever.  I did pick the champion right, however I landed a cool 8th in our family bracket  challenge.  Terrible.  My sister Tara who watched no games cleaned up and blew away the field.
I'd have better luck at the roulette tables. Sounds like a potential career move!

On a side note; come on football season!

Memories

I was weaned on the stories that came from the memories of my parents and grandparents as well as aunts and uncles.  I never tired of listening to the stories from their pasts.  There was always something magical and nostalgic about the past to me.  I felt bonded in some way to the people and places talked about.  It is one of the most important parts of my childhood.

As my short term memory gets worse and worse, I am finding memories of my own past that I had lost somewhere in my mind.  Perhaps it is the shift taking place in my brain that is bringing the past closer to the present and making the present more difficult to hold on to. I am remembering stories told to me as a child.  I am remembering my own experiences.

I was talking to the kids tonight about my dad and his family.  He has been dead for years and the kids have no memory of him. I felt fortunate that my longer term memory is improving and that I can pass on the memories I have to my children. I have vowed to try harder to bond my own children with my past and with that of our family.

Hidden gems; I consider the shift in my brain to be a hidden gem.

Judge

We are taught not to judge but judging both others and ourselves against others is as natural as breathing.  What a shame! A judgment is always inaccurate and nearly always unfair.  It hurts others and ourselves.  How would our own self view improve if we stopped viewing ourselves through the lens of the most perfect people we know?
Life has a way of bringing us low. Being low gives a more clear view of reality that is not clouded by our own visions of ourselves.  Seeing myself in a stripped down, no defenses type of situation is educational at the least and life changing at best. Only life changing if I learn the lesson. 
Why did I ever think I knew how people felt? Why did I ever think I could pass judgement on the doings of others? Foolish!
Only One knows and can judge.
Why not leave it to Him and spend our time being decent humans? That is the lesson.

music

Seems that the right kind of music puts my brain at ease.  Can't get enough of the Decemberists lately.  Soothes my mind and soul. Just as the loud overbearingness (not a word) of the movies seems to set me off, the right type of music with the right level of volume does wonders to restore order in my brain.
I crave order in the cerebral regions!

Good People

A week or so ago a good friend from my mission in Portugal called me out of the blue.  I had not spoken to him for probably ten years.  He had read some of this blog and decided to call and chat with me.  It could not have come at a better time as it was one of those days we like to avoid.  His call was a complete surprise but one that changed the outlook of the entire week.
I am grateful for good people who think of others.  I am sure Jeff was very busy that particular day but the 20 min conversation changed what was a rough day for me. 
Never think that you can't make a difference for people. We are all in need at times, it is nice to be able to lift each other up. Don't forget each other.

You can please some of the people all of the time

I am reminded today of the famous words from poet John Lydgate, later adapted by President Lincoln - and appearing in various permutations:
“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”.
Life seems to be a lot like that all the time.  So what do we do? Please some people all the time or all people some of the time? What happens if we try to please everyone all the time?
How about ourselves, were do we fall in that saying? I don't know, but I suppose it is important to make ourselves happy once in awhile.

classes

I have been taking some business classes as I now have some free time.  Not good.  I'm not sure if it is the meds or the epilepsy, but I am having a tough time doing things that have always come easy to me.  Basic figures and equations require more than twice the amount of time than I am accustomed to.  Instead of reading things once and having information stick in my head, I must read 4 or 5 times to get a hold on the material.  
It seems as though I am destined to learn patience.

Movies

Went to the hunger games Saturday with my wife.  Not a good idea.  The noise, camera movement and whatever else set off my brain.  Had seizures all night Saturday night and spent Sunday out of it in bed.  Apparently the big screen and great sound is bad for me.  To bad because I like the movies.  I remember very little of the movie, I think I liked it.
Nothing worse than spending a day in bed; depressing. Needed it but I hate a day like that.  It reminded me of the month of November, not anything I want to relive.
When it gets right down to it being up and about is always better than being down and out.

Tantalize

We often think of the Romans as the most cruel but I can't imagine anyone having a more vindictive and violent imagination than the Greeks.  The punishments doled out to the villains of Greek mythology are to be marveled at. Read recently about Tantalus and the origin of the word tantalize.  He was made to stand chin-deep in water with all kind of sweet-smelling and delicious fruit dangling just over his head, but whenever he tried to drink or eat, the water would magically recede or the fruit would miraculously be lifted just out of his reach. It's this torment, through which something seems to be offered only to be withdrawn again, that has been called, in memory of its best known victim, "tantalize". 

Life does that to us at times.  We are often tantalized by hopes and dreams and often times they slip from our grasps.  Agony.  I am sure we have all been able to sympathize with Tantalus at times. The question is whether or not we continue to reach for the fruit?

Nanny

Now Dick Durban opening congressional probe into bounties in sports.  Go deal with real problems you frickin helicopter nanny!  Makes me want to puke.  We have real problems but the congress is going to look into bounties in sports.  Makes a lot of sense.
Let me say again, puke!

Sound

I think that I am sound sensitive.  For every epileptic there exist triggers that cause them to have trouble.  For some it is bright light for others being tired.  There are many of them.  I am sure that loud noises causes me trouble.  For a long time I have watched TV on mute (drives my family nuts). A train whistle, lots of people speaking at the same time.  Phone ringers.  All things that are part of everyday life.  These seem to be consistent triggers for my brain to go off track. Good to know.
Only problem is my life is filled with these things.
The world is a loud place, gonna take some work managing noise.

dishonesty

Doesn't using dishonesty to prove dishonesty seem hypocritical and backwards?

Truth

Truth is not the wisdom of the crowd but a seemingly elusive fixed point. 
If we could stand still long enough to look for it we would not find it so elusive.

Move

Imagine trying to arrive at a desired destination by sittings down! Can't "get out" by sitting still.  Gotta be moving, trying, pushing, fighting to get what you want. If your stuck in a bad spot or a rut, move!  Seems simple enough but our natural habit is to pout and hope someone else will get us out. I say move, if you move the wrong way, move again another way.
I don't know if this makes any sense, it is early in the morning but I hate self pity and waiting around for something to happen. Even if it is painful, get up and do is better than sitting still.

By the way, you may want to be cautious in reading these posts, it is possible I am losing my mind. Just a disclaimer.

We winning today?

I once had a boss who asked the question, "we winnin today Brad?" every time he walked through the door of the shop.  That was about 10 times a day.  He normally called me Cam and my buddy Brad but that didn't matter.
We always joked about it then but now I find that I ask the same question of myself regularly each day. 
In my mind you win by trying. You only lose when you stop trying.  So for me winning and losing is not that complicated.  Just keep trying and your winning. If you fail one day at something fine, try again. 
Never lock in your failures by quitting.  

how I feel

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sadjfoiwejrgl;ksdvnawuiehwefsjdakjfl;kjioewjfieopjaiodididisajdklcxzcvmxz.,nvxcnm
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That is how I feel today!

idleness

There is nothing more soul destroying than idleness.  Being busy for business sake is not good enough.  We must be productive to be fulfilling the measure of our creation.  Without productive behavior we are as useless as we feel.  The days I feel the worst and wish to do nothing are the days I must go and be productive or I lose the battle that day.  Activity and productivity are the destroyers of depression and self loathing.

Blood

Blood is thicker than water is the saying.  What a great thing it is to share blood with a group of people.  Spent the evening with much of my family last night.  Some elemental bond exists between family members.  Spending time with them has a soul soothing influence.
Watching my own kids is another joyful part of life.  Again, a special bond between us.  Perhaps it is the blood shared that creates such a strong and unending bond.

Positives

My powers of concentration as well as my short term memory seem to be the price of managing my seizures.  It is not an altogether bad thing as I have always been rather impulsive in both thoughts and actions.  This has been a curse as often as it has been a blessing.  Now I'm required to think harder and slower about each thing I wish to understand.  My slower mind seems to be bearing fruit as I am learning things I never knew I cared to learn.  Turns out slow methodical thought often trumps quick impulsive thinking.

sunshine

the sunshine helps. hope it stays.  be nice if baseball tryouts were not held in the snow this year!

feeling black

might just be the keppra talking but i'm not feeling blue today, so blue it's black.  good day to give me a wide berth! bad deal for my 3rd and 5th grade basketball teams tonight. 

uncommon days

Wow, from religion to poetry! I must have a lot of free time.

William Wordsworth said this in Ode on intimations of immortality:

 Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
 The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
 Hath had elsewhere its setting,
 And cometh from afar:
 Not in entire forgetfulness,
 And not in utter nakedness,
 But trailing clouds of glory do we come
 From God, who is our home:
 Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
 Shades of the prison-house begin to close
 Upon the growing Boy,
 But He beholds the light, and whence it flows,
 He sees it in his joy;
 The Youth, who daily farther from the east
 Must travel, still is Nature's Priest,
 And by the vision splendid
 Is on his way attended;
 At length the Man perceives it die away,
 And fade into the light of common day.

I hope I don't allow the light of common or uncommon days to wash out what 

is or was inside.

happiness

Jamie Moyer at age 49 trying to make the Rockies, a year after Tommie john surgery.  Guy has made nearly 90 million in his career but just loves to play baseball.  Awesome!
Just get up every day and do what you do.  There is happiness in that I think.

Sermon on the Mount

A lot of religious overtones lately, been reading the sermon on the mount with my family.  Pray for enemies.  Do good to those that hate and use you. Takes a big person, bigger than me to be that meek and humble.  I feel much more powerful and in control when I can hold on to my anger and hatred. 
I suppose that is the lesson intended! 
To let go of the natural emotions and perceived protections of anger, blame and hatred is to let go of part of ourselves and open up to a greater power. I am sure that the results include more power, control and self fulfillment, but I have not experienced that yet.  I will continue to hold on to my pettiness and deny myself a chance at change and growth! Maybe some of you are like me.

turn the other cheek

I know we are supposed to forgive 70 times 7, but how many times are we meant to turn the other cheek?  Not sure it spells that out anywhere.  Gets kind of tough after being slapped repeatedly! Guess you just keep turning.

Self Deception

Self deception is a brilliant tactic in the battle against our problems. Brilliant but stupid! The problem is that when we convince ourselves that the bad guys aren't there, and then of course they are there, it is a shock to the system and we are not prepared to meet them. 
I prefer to over inflate the bad guys and the problems so that when they appear they seem smaller than I imagined.  Again brilliant but stupid.  During the artificial build up of the enemy, we become frozen with fear and indecision because all is lost and the enemy is to strong.  Again we are unprepared for the true appearance of the enemy.
In the end, truth is always truth and the truth definitely sets us free. Stand up, face the enemy and get on with it.  There is freedom in that!

3000mg

started on 3000 mg of keppra per day.  Awful! It is like (from others experience obviously) being on high doses of speed and having morning sickness at the same time.  Perhaps it will be good for weight loss, but sure feels crappy.  However, seems to be working. I will make the trade any day!

Pretenders

When the people you care about have your back, nothing else matters!  Everyone else can go to hell. Excuse the phrase, but it is a phrase handed down from generation to generation!
You can always have a surety as to true friends and pretenders.  True friends say the same thing to your back that they say to your face. A good lesson for all of us!
As a good friend always tells me; "keep a stiff upper lip".

Gaps

Memory gaps are nasty.  I am missing the month of November and a few other weeks here and there.  It is a strange feeling.  Maybe this is what alcoholics feel like after a long bender? That may not be a fair comparison because I had no fun at all earning my memory gaps!

Reaction

As the boulder, many things happen to us that we cannot control.  We succeed or fail in this life based upon our reaction to the things that happen to us.  The interesting thing is that while it is easier to fail, it feels so much better to succeed.  The days when I let the things happening to me win, I am miserable.  When I overcome those feelings and win regardless of what is happening, I feel like a different person.
I guess the lesson is to focus on our reaction to life as opposed to life itself.  To many things we can't control. Focus on the reaction!

The Boulder

I was thinking today that sometimes I feel less like Sisyphus and much more like the boulder he pushes up the hill each day.  Many things seem to happen to us that can make us miserable.  I think I would rather be the guy pushing the boulder than be the boulder.  At least I can decide the speed and energy I want to use to get it up the hill.  Poor dumb boulder has no say at all!

Sisyphus continued

Another question about Sisyphus.  What is the end game of the story? For him it was a punishment, but is the moral of the story to somehow get the boulder up and over the top, or is the moral to push each day? What would happen if the boulder got pushed over the top of the hill and a day off was earned? To become what we are meant to become maybe we are required to push on that boulder every day.  Wish I knew.  Sure seems easier just to leave the stupid boulder at the bottom of the hill!

Holiday

Six great days one bad day so far on Keppra.  Double the dose today.  Maybe twelve good days this time.  I hope so.
I used to love these holidays, but I don't today.  The buses don't run on days like today.  I'm all for celebrating presidents day, big fan of Washington and Lincoln.  Wanted to name my oldest boy born on the 12th honest Abe, but I could really use the bus today!

Sisyphus

You may know the story of King Sisyphus and how he was punished for eternity by rolling a boulder up a hill only to have it roll to the bottom over and over again.  I have heard of the story in the past but thought of it today.  The story is a perfect dramatization of my mindset. 
The herculean effort it takes to push the boulder up the hill each day with sure knowledge that it will be back at the bottom again tomorrow.  It seems as though the daily effort is wasted yet each morning I begin to push again.  Perhaps it is the effort itself that maintains sanity or perhaps the fear of what happens if I don't push is the driving force.
Either way, can't get the boulder over the top! Guess I will keep trying.

New Meds

Started taking Keppra this week.  Seems to be working alright. Decrease in seizures so far.  The side effects are also different. When I sit I sleep, when I stand I'm dizzy.  Makes for some interesting days. Fell asleep on the bus the other day and rode a nice long route.  Probably snored the whole time.  At least I am starting to fit in on the bus!
When I stand up it looks as though I am perpetually learning to walk.
A third and interesting side effect is that my level of anger and aggression are elevated.  We all know that I really needed more anger and aggression! If you see me chasing a referee around the gym one of these saturdays, just laugh and mark it down to new medication then maybe call the police!
 Definitely some challenges; the good with the bad right?

Vocab

As a youth I hated vocabulary as a subject.  Now I love it.  Over these few months I have learned a number of new words that I never new existed. Misial frontal lobe; anticonvulsant; partial-onset seizures; Electroencephalography; titration; aura, myoclonic; 
These are just of the few new terms that dominate my life.  I am currently titrating through a new series of medications and I am sick. 


Hope everybody loves everybody today!

neurologist

Man did I blow it.  Should have been a neurologist.  Got my bill from the stay at University of Utah.  Wow, I could live on that for a year! So for any of you not sure what to be when you grow up; Neurology!

Believe

Belief in something greater than self is the basic building block of self esteem.  Surely I am to weak and fallible to have a real sense of self esteem. If my value as a person is based exclusively on my decisions and actions I am valued rather lowly.  Not that I am bad but I fall woefully short of the type of perfection needed to engender faith or belief in.
With that said, if I can believe in something that is greater than myself and make decisions based upon that belief I can begin to build toward something grand. For self worth to be achieved the something or someone you believe in must love and value you. You must want to mirror or achieve the attributes and abilities of the thing in which you believe.
This goes for all people regardless of belief system. So I say again:
Belief in something greater than self is the basic building block of self esteem.

lesson

I am slowly learning a good lesson.  I love to learn things as slow as possible so as to maximize suffering! The lesson is that no matter how horrible I feel, I feel worse if I do nothing but sit around and feel sorry for myself.  As miserable as it is sometimes, a few hours out of the house brings me back to life a bit.  I may make a public disturbance, but what is a little embarrassment against feeling dead.

Snow

Snow is the walking mans enemy! I used to love it but now it is a nuisance.  Good thing for a wool coat and a good snow hat.  In fact it looks like a double hat day out there.  Nasty or not the independence does me good.

Foggy

I hate feeling foggy in my head.  It is like looking through a haze and trying to make out whats going on around you.  Just can't get a grasp on my senses. There was a time in my life when the idea of being "out of it" seemed a great idea. Now I'm half wasted all the time and I hate it!
Oh the irony of life!